We once worked with a couple trapped in a cycle they couldn’t escape.
Every conversation seemed to confirm what they already believed about each other.
When he stayed quiet during dinner, she assumed he was angry with her—so she withdrew to protect herself. When she withdrew, he assumed she didn’t want to be around him—so he stopped trying.
Each assumption led to a behavior that confirmed the other person’s assumption, creating a feedback loop of misunderstanding that felt impossible to break.
The tragedy wasn’t that they were wrong for each other. The tragedy was that neither of them was actually angry or disinterested. They were both just hurt, and both filling in the gaps with stories that weren’t true.
This is how assumptions corrode intimacy—they shortcut the vulnerable work of actually asking what’s real.
When we don’t know why our spouse did something, our minds reflexively generate explanations. And because we’re wired for self-protection, those explanations tend to be negative.
Silence becomes “they don’t care.” A forgotten task becomes “I’m not a priority.” A distracted glance becomes “they’re thinking about someone else.”
We treat these assumptions as facts, adjusting our behavior accordingly, never realizing we’re reacting to a story we made up.
The antidote isn’t complicated, but it does require humility: we have to be willing to admit we might not have the full picture.
Curiosity dissolves assumptions. The question “Can you help me understand what’s going on?” has saved more marriages than grand gestures ever will.
Proverbs 18:13 says, “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.” We’re called to understand before we conclude, to ask before we assume. This isn’t just good relationship advice—it’s biblical wisdom.
What’s Still True
Assumptions fill gaps where curiosity is missing.What You Can Do…Today (1 Minute)
Before you jump to conclusions today say this sentence internally or aloud:
“I might not have the full story yet.”